To all the Almosts, and yet the Not Quites

There have been more guys than one that I think may have got away, because I’ve never made up my mind or known what I want. I think that proves why I let them go, yet I feel so deeply about them and grow so confused at times that I imagine there to exist more feeling than is necessarily true. I can’t be sure and I know no one ever is, but the least I’d like to expect of myself is to not be confused. That would be something if not everything. The incident in question was quite bland actually, nowhere near as dramatic as this; I think I could make a paper bag look gloomy. I’ve pimped and embellished because I can.

I hesitated before hitting the little red button on my Nokia. But there wasn’t any point; the line was already dead. The deepness of his voice echoes in my heart.

I remember that one night on the beach I was sitting alone around a table of friends feeling nothing for them. I remember staring at a candle’s distorted wick through a half empty glass of champagne; everything else looked the same. I remember slipping away to the sand where my knees gave way leaving me crouched in a ball of glum. I remember my fingers shivering from the cold breeze as I looked for him in my phonebook. I remember thinking how glad I was to know him, when we were casually chatting so easily like we had a million more times ago. I remember a strand of hair whip past my nostril as I threw my head back to laugh out loud at something he said. I remember something inside me sinking as he casually mentioned he had met someone. I never forgot.

Why did I fall short of breath then and why did I feel so lost just now when he uttered those words, “I’m flying out tonight.”

We hardly ever meet, we hardly ever speak, yet I know you way back in the deepest trough of my mind I know you. You intrigue me with your air of mystery, sadden me with your resonance and you are beyond me with your mind.

I don’t know if I want you, I don’t know if I could have you, I don’t know if the world would have us, moreover, I’m too cowardly to find out. Did you already guess?

Stop guessing and know this: Every few months I will fall asleep wondering what might’ve been with you but I will always blame myself for not knowing. Long ago I had planted seeds of your soul in mine and never watered them. I never told you I felt for you the very day my eyes first came upon your words… I think you’re something; I’ve missed you. Would you kiss me goodbye just once, softly and then forget?

I hesitated before hitting the little red button… But there wasn’t any point; the line was already dead.